angèle, you are not alone. i cried reading this and thinking of my own very complicated relationship with my mother. (and also found comfort in the fact that i’m not the only one with a complicated and hurtful parent relationship). i have spent nearly my whole life trying to convince myself that there are other people in this world who will love me the way i deserve to be loved, even though my mother is unwilling/unable. sometimes i succeed, others i do not. but i am determined to think that whether i manage to convince myself or not that there are people out there who will.
the love we deserve will find us, angèle, it has to.
Hi, thank you so much for reading! And what a gift to share that comment with me. There are people out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Whenever I feel anxious about that, I remind myself of this sentence that I saw somewhere "You haven't met all the people that are going to love you yet". I truly believe that. I was lucky enough to find great love, I can only wish that for all of us traumatized daughters 🖤
I’m here to tell you that you are not crazy. I’m 28 and West Indian I left my mother’s house at a young age too, when I left I didn’t talk to her for two years— I cut all contact. People like our mom use us as a pacifier, cutting h their supply ( us) help sober them up. I forgot what made me and my mom talk again but I have strict boundaries with her and I lived thousands of miles away from her( I’m in a whole different state )
I see you started by saying we have one set of parents, while that is true our parents have only ONE OF US. We don’t belong to our parents, they are simply here to guide & love us. Not to be their punching bag. I understand your guilt but the more you keep being honest the guilt will melt away.. I’ve been there.
Meet them where they are. Remove the title mother so you can really see her and not take what she do too personal ( I know this is easier said than done, with reposition it gets easier ) you’re going to be great cause you’ve already started by this vulnerable and truthful post! You’re reading and accepting! A lot of people make up excuses for their parent’s toxicity, you’re doing the opposite. You’re healing yourself and the next generation to come in your bloodline. You are brave! You’re making a change! I felt your post deep in my bones & if you’re open to it I have a book I’d love to recommend you I think would help support you in this transition. This stranger is proud of you! 🫶🏿🫂
The being used as a pacifier is very true. There are so many layers to the parentified daughter/mother relationship. And yeah, I wonder if they sometimes think about the fact that they only have one of us and might lose us forever if they don't change. Maybe the realization hurts too much because changing would mean facing some things that are too hard to face. Thank you for your advice as well, I definitely take notes.
I'm very curious about your book recommendation!
(don't worry about the typos I didn't even notice and English is not my first language so I'm the typo queen)
Ahh. I feel this so very deeply. I’m 41 and still have to be low contact with my mom. My siblings are ten and nine years older, so I know she was tired. But she always held an annoyed indifference when it came to me. I dunno. It’s not my fault. I know this now. I could have been born with a completely different personality and still would have received the treatment I did because she is who she is. My feelings did not matter when everyone needed a punching bag. Physically or emotionally. But I cut the cord, and I am free. I am in therapy, my self soothing was not working. I’m an anxious wreck. But I will never go back. It may actually kill me. I would have a better chance on the streets than with my family. At least on the streets I might know where the dangers were coming from. It is a hard road. But I actually feel less alone now. Much Love to you.
I'm so sorry, it breaks my heart to read that. It takes so much strength to break the shitty pattern and change, on your own. I'm really glad that this piece helped you feeling less alone, as you can see in the comments we are a lot, which is as sad as it is reassuring, I guess. If only I could hug all of you 🖤
Can’t even begin to express how much this resonated with me. Angèle, seriously… this was a sucker-punch of a post. When you wrote “I often say that she doesn’t care about me as a person, she only cares about me as her daughter, meaning, her property,” I actually sucked in a breath because that’s such a perfect way to condense what it often feels like to be a child, especially a child in an African home.
There’s a lot of talk on the internet about seeing your mother as a woman before seeing her as a mother in order to not be too angry at her etc etc etc but I’m also struggling with that thought process. Yes, she’s a woman in her own right, and yes, she went through what she went through, but does that automatically mean she gets a free pass when it comes to how she treats a child? Her child? It’s a balancing act… one I’m sure I’m going to spend my entire life trying to wrap my head around.
The courage you have in posting this is very inspirational. Thank you! I hope we both get better at holding our boundaries, even against family.
I'm glad this piece helped you as much as it did to me!
I agree with you, nothing gives a free pass for abuse. When people say that we should see our mothers as women too, I'm thinking how children are also people about to become adults or just adults, but unlike the parents who have a choice in making or not the child, the child doesn't have any say, they just have to be lucky enough to be born in the right family. Sure, my mom is a woman, so am I. She has been through a lot, certainly more than me, but she is an adult now and just like I have a responsibility to not reproduce shitty behavior, so does she. If I can change and do better, so can she. She decided to bring me into this world knowing damn well what it would mean, she didn't do a great job and I now have to deal with the consequences, that's not on me. So in that sense, there's no excuse, but that's my situation, everyone is different and reacts differently.
I hope we'll get better as well, that's already a good start, for both of us 🖤
“We are socialized into loving our parents no matter what, understanding them, protecting them, more than they actually do for us. Being a bad child is worse than being a bad parent, they always have an excuse, they are tired, they have so much work, problems keep piling up. Adults are turned into children and children have to understand adults, only to become adults that behave like children.”
Reading this was a big moment for me. Children of bad parents are trained from our birth to see our parents’ inner child, and society reinforces the attitude that the parent is the victim and can’t help themselves. You acknowledge the cycle but turn the usual excuses on their head. ❤️❤️❤️
I felt like I was ready my own story. You are NOT crazy and NOT alone. I grew up with a covert-narcissistic mother and this experience(s) sounds very similar to my own growing up. I was constantly manipulated, gaslighted and told I was not only a "bad daughter" but a "bad person." She destroyed my self worth and learning to love/be loved unconditionally has been my biggest challenge in life. I had to cut my mom off for my mental health and I live in fear of her everyday, because anytime she sees something of mine online that brings her up, I get a 25 paragraph email bullying me. It is so sad that some children aren't able to grow up with the love they deserve. Learning that we do deserve it is the hardest part. Sending you LOVE.
This is terrible, oh damn.. I truly hope you could find a safe and secure place to live, with actual love. I hope reading that you are not alone brought you some comfort as well.
I'm sorry to read that - my mother stalked and harassed me for years after I left home. I've often wondered how much worse her behaviour would have been if the internet existed back then.
Hey this is so beautiful and as a mother but also a daughter, this was visceral. Your brave and also, not alone at all in what your going through even if it feels like that xox
African American moms are like this I understand that many people struggle with communication because they need to navigate their own traumatic experiences. To break the cycle of generational trauma, it's important to acknowledge it, distance ourselves from it, and focus on personal growth. Although we can't change others, we can lead by example.
It's not fair to be born as a beautiful and capable person only to feel broken for most of our lives. I hope you find your own path and peace in the future, and whatever you choose to do, I encourage you to pave your own way.
Respect is one thing, but maintaining respect from a distance is another. I practice this with one of my parents. Their troubled behavior will not dictate my life. It's up to them to address their issues, not me.
thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability. I’m 29 years old as well and I read this like wow I’m not the only one, do we all have the same mothers? I thank you for sharing this, because this feels like collective healing. I’m currently not speaking to my mother and every word you wrote I resonated with deeply, my goodness. I feel so much guilt that I have to acknowledge my mother’s abusive ways and that if I were to come back to this life again I wouldn’t choose her to be my mother. My mother tells me I’m responsible for creating our mother daughter relationship and I’m always astound as to who is the child in this relationship? I’m proud of your courage to be open and honest about your feelings and wishing you so much healing on your journey 🧡
Oh Patrice, they love to avoid accountability by saying that it's their daughter's fault. My mom made me think that I was difficult so many times, yet I've been independant very young and she barely mothered me. I'm glad you found this piece, your comment makes me feel better in a moment of anger. I send you love 🖤
I get it. I am gay son of a narcissistic Nigerian mother. I’m 19 now, but growing up I always tried to please her. I always tried to make her happy. I stayed out of trouble, got good grades, and ignored my queerness for her happiness. She’d constantly remind us since we were in elementary how hard she worked. How much she suffered and endured. How our father was not around. She constantly made me feel guilty for all that it took for me to exist and live happily. I never got to know myself as a person, because I knew she might’ve sent me back to Nigeria as a kid. How dangerous it would’ve been to be gay in Nigeria, amongst extremely religious African relatives and people. I’m still not out of my homophobic household, but I’ve definitely healed from all the guilt and shame. I’m now focused on myself, future, and building a community of good people.
Ohh first of all thank you for sharing all of this. And now, I can only hope that you'll leave very soon and be able to live your life fully, the way you intend to. Going through all of that this young is so unfair. I truly hope you have some support. I send you love 🖤
“We all swear that we will never do to our children what our parents did to us, only to become a watered down version of our own personal bullies. I know my mom did.” This hit me in a very soft spot. It hurt for me when first entering adulthood to realize my mom was a real, flawed, human being, and not just the perfect momma victim/martyr that I saw her as throughout my childhood. There are things our parents can’t control for sure, but in becoming my own person I realized they had more agency to end the cycles of abuse and trauma than they maybe took advantage of. I’m 21, my mom is 56 now. I thought she would be stuck in her ways forever but lately I’ve seen the needle start moving a little. She’s still got lots of work to go, especially for the sake of my younger sister, but it’s started. I hope your mom can find a glimpse of reflection and the needle may start to move.❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for sharing your experience Prudence, I always love to read that some parents decide to change, even if it’s late, even if it’s hard, even if it takes time. That in itself means a lot. And yeah, I think one of the biggest heartbreak of my twenties was realizing that my mom can be my own bully and seeing her with the eyes of an adult, and not just those of her child.
This hit home. As the eldest African immigrant daughter. This sounds word for word like my story. I hope one day African parent can live without being in a constant competition without their offsprings. May African daughter heal from all the childhood trauma inflicted by their own mothers. Thank you for writing such a story. This must of took a lot of courage.
It took a lot but it made me feel way lighter. Thank you so much for reading. I only hope that we can all heal so our children don't have to write these words.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my mom is very similar. I read this book called Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it completely put me in a much better way in my self- and world understanding afterward... mother wound is one of the most painful...
angele, thank you for writing this, and i hope it gave you some relief to pour it out.
this situation can make you feel terribly lonely, but you are not alone in this. too many of us have been raised with conditional love, worn down to small nubs by a society teaching us that our parents’ conditional love and emotional immaturity is normal, that we are ‘bad children’ for being upset with them, or daring to expect more for ourselves. for not being the adult in the situation, long before we’re grown; to instinctively provide the kind of care we’ve never been shown.
but true control comes from learning the power of the self, and growing taller and stronger against them until their words run harmlessly off us like rain on a statue. realising that you deserve more is the first step towards this; you will be fine, and then finer and finer as time goes on. 🤍
Thank you for sharing. This was truly beautiful in a way that only a handful of us will understand. I resonated with this deeply. I’ve recently had to comfort my own life choices in situations where it was/is very one sided. At the end of the day I too came to the conclusion that I must do better for myself and just meet people where they are?! Trying to explain doesn’t always work. Trying to teach(help) doesn’t work. The back and forth damn sure doesn’t work. So the only thing to do is more accordingly for yourself. My heart is so full, and I’m an extremely empathetic human, but I can’t continue to break my own heart to save yours. I am with you🤎✨
Your bravery in writing this vulnerably is awe-inspiring. You deserve to scream this, an outlet for the pain of having the weight of the world on your shoulders. As an African daughter, this pierced my heart. It’s hard to always be the empathetic one. Thank you so much for sharing this with us (for however long). 🫀
angèle, you are not alone. i cried reading this and thinking of my own very complicated relationship with my mother. (and also found comfort in the fact that i’m not the only one with a complicated and hurtful parent relationship). i have spent nearly my whole life trying to convince myself that there are other people in this world who will love me the way i deserve to be loved, even though my mother is unwilling/unable. sometimes i succeed, others i do not. but i am determined to think that whether i manage to convince myself or not that there are people out there who will.
the love we deserve will find us, angèle, it has to.
Hi, thank you so much for reading! And what a gift to share that comment with me. There are people out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Whenever I feel anxious about that, I remind myself of this sentence that I saw somewhere "You haven't met all the people that are going to love you yet". I truly believe that. I was lucky enough to find great love, I can only wish that for all of us traumatized daughters 🖤
I’m here to tell you that you are not crazy. I’m 28 and West Indian I left my mother’s house at a young age too, when I left I didn’t talk to her for two years— I cut all contact. People like our mom use us as a pacifier, cutting h their supply ( us) help sober them up. I forgot what made me and my mom talk again but I have strict boundaries with her and I lived thousands of miles away from her( I’m in a whole different state )
I see you started by saying we have one set of parents, while that is true our parents have only ONE OF US. We don’t belong to our parents, they are simply here to guide & love us. Not to be their punching bag. I understand your guilt but the more you keep being honest the guilt will melt away.. I’ve been there.
Meet them where they are. Remove the title mother so you can really see her and not take what she do too personal ( I know this is easier said than done, with reposition it gets easier ) you’re going to be great cause you’ve already started by this vulnerable and truthful post! You’re reading and accepting! A lot of people make up excuses for their parent’s toxicity, you’re doing the opposite. You’re healing yourself and the next generation to come in your bloodline. You are brave! You’re making a change! I felt your post deep in my bones & if you’re open to it I have a book I’d love to recommend you I think would help support you in this transition. This stranger is proud of you! 🫶🏿🫂
(I responded but it didn't work somehow)
Such a beautiful comment Umi, thank you so much 🖤
The being used as a pacifier is very true. There are so many layers to the parentified daughter/mother relationship. And yeah, I wonder if they sometimes think about the fact that they only have one of us and might lose us forever if they don't change. Maybe the realization hurts too much because changing would mean facing some things that are too hard to face. Thank you for your advice as well, I definitely take notes.
I'm very curious about your book recommendation!
(don't worry about the typos I didn't even notice and English is not my first language so I'm the typo queen)
So much typos omg I’m so sorry 😭
Ahh. I feel this so very deeply. I’m 41 and still have to be low contact with my mom. My siblings are ten and nine years older, so I know she was tired. But she always held an annoyed indifference when it came to me. I dunno. It’s not my fault. I know this now. I could have been born with a completely different personality and still would have received the treatment I did because she is who she is. My feelings did not matter when everyone needed a punching bag. Physically or emotionally. But I cut the cord, and I am free. I am in therapy, my self soothing was not working. I’m an anxious wreck. But I will never go back. It may actually kill me. I would have a better chance on the streets than with my family. At least on the streets I might know where the dangers were coming from. It is a hard road. But I actually feel less alone now. Much Love to you.
I'm so sorry, it breaks my heart to read that. It takes so much strength to break the shitty pattern and change, on your own. I'm really glad that this piece helped you feeling less alone, as you can see in the comments we are a lot, which is as sad as it is reassuring, I guess. If only I could hug all of you 🖤
Much love to you too 🖤🖤
Can’t even begin to express how much this resonated with me. Angèle, seriously… this was a sucker-punch of a post. When you wrote “I often say that she doesn’t care about me as a person, she only cares about me as her daughter, meaning, her property,” I actually sucked in a breath because that’s such a perfect way to condense what it often feels like to be a child, especially a child in an African home.
There’s a lot of talk on the internet about seeing your mother as a woman before seeing her as a mother in order to not be too angry at her etc etc etc but I’m also struggling with that thought process. Yes, she’s a woman in her own right, and yes, she went through what she went through, but does that automatically mean she gets a free pass when it comes to how she treats a child? Her child? It’s a balancing act… one I’m sure I’m going to spend my entire life trying to wrap my head around.
The courage you have in posting this is very inspirational. Thank you! I hope we both get better at holding our boundaries, even against family.
I'm glad this piece helped you as much as it did to me!
I agree with you, nothing gives a free pass for abuse. When people say that we should see our mothers as women too, I'm thinking how children are also people about to become adults or just adults, but unlike the parents who have a choice in making or not the child, the child doesn't have any say, they just have to be lucky enough to be born in the right family. Sure, my mom is a woman, so am I. She has been through a lot, certainly more than me, but she is an adult now and just like I have a responsibility to not reproduce shitty behavior, so does she. If I can change and do better, so can she. She decided to bring me into this world knowing damn well what it would mean, she didn't do a great job and I now have to deal with the consequences, that's not on me. So in that sense, there's no excuse, but that's my situation, everyone is different and reacts differently.
I hope we'll get better as well, that's already a good start, for both of us 🖤
“We are socialized into loving our parents no matter what, understanding them, protecting them, more than they actually do for us. Being a bad child is worse than being a bad parent, they always have an excuse, they are tired, they have so much work, problems keep piling up. Adults are turned into children and children have to understand adults, only to become adults that behave like children.”
Reading this was a big moment for me. Children of bad parents are trained from our birth to see our parents’ inner child, and society reinforces the attitude that the parent is the victim and can’t help themselves. You acknowledge the cycle but turn the usual excuses on their head. ❤️❤️❤️
I felt like I was ready my own story. You are NOT crazy and NOT alone. I grew up with a covert-narcissistic mother and this experience(s) sounds very similar to my own growing up. I was constantly manipulated, gaslighted and told I was not only a "bad daughter" but a "bad person." She destroyed my self worth and learning to love/be loved unconditionally has been my biggest challenge in life. I had to cut my mom off for my mental health and I live in fear of her everyday, because anytime she sees something of mine online that brings her up, I get a 25 paragraph email bullying me. It is so sad that some children aren't able to grow up with the love they deserve. Learning that we do deserve it is the hardest part. Sending you LOVE.
This is terrible, oh damn.. I truly hope you could find a safe and secure place to live, with actual love. I hope reading that you are not alone brought you some comfort as well.
I'm sorry to read that - my mother stalked and harassed me for years after I left home. I've often wondered how much worse her behaviour would have been if the internet existed back then.
Oh this is terrible. I'm glad the internet didn't exist back then. Hope you found a safe place.
Hey this is so beautiful and as a mother but also a daughter, this was visceral. Your brave and also, not alone at all in what your going through even if it feels like that xox
Thank you Hannah 🙏🏾
African American moms are like this I understand that many people struggle with communication because they need to navigate their own traumatic experiences. To break the cycle of generational trauma, it's important to acknowledge it, distance ourselves from it, and focus on personal growth. Although we can't change others, we can lead by example.
It's not fair to be born as a beautiful and capable person only to feel broken for most of our lives. I hope you find your own path and peace in the future, and whatever you choose to do, I encourage you to pave your own way.
Respect is one thing, but maintaining respect from a distance is another. I practice this with one of my parents. Their troubled behavior will not dictate my life. It's up to them to address their issues, not me.
Respect is gone, might come back, we'll see. I can only hope to think like this one day. Thank you for reading 🖤
Hi Angèle,
thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability. I’m 29 years old as well and I read this like wow I’m not the only one, do we all have the same mothers? I thank you for sharing this, because this feels like collective healing. I’m currently not speaking to my mother and every word you wrote I resonated with deeply, my goodness. I feel so much guilt that I have to acknowledge my mother’s abusive ways and that if I were to come back to this life again I wouldn’t choose her to be my mother. My mother tells me I’m responsible for creating our mother daughter relationship and I’m always astound as to who is the child in this relationship? I’m proud of your courage to be open and honest about your feelings and wishing you so much healing on your journey 🧡
You are loved,
P
Oh Patrice, they love to avoid accountability by saying that it's their daughter's fault. My mom made me think that I was difficult so many times, yet I've been independant very young and she barely mothered me. I'm glad you found this piece, your comment makes me feel better in a moment of anger. I send you love 🖤
I get it. I am gay son of a narcissistic Nigerian mother. I’m 19 now, but growing up I always tried to please her. I always tried to make her happy. I stayed out of trouble, got good grades, and ignored my queerness for her happiness. She’d constantly remind us since we were in elementary how hard she worked. How much she suffered and endured. How our father was not around. She constantly made me feel guilty for all that it took for me to exist and live happily. I never got to know myself as a person, because I knew she might’ve sent me back to Nigeria as a kid. How dangerous it would’ve been to be gay in Nigeria, amongst extremely religious African relatives and people. I’m still not out of my homophobic household, but I’ve definitely healed from all the guilt and shame. I’m now focused on myself, future, and building a community of good people.
Ohh first of all thank you for sharing all of this. And now, I can only hope that you'll leave very soon and be able to live your life fully, the way you intend to. Going through all of that this young is so unfair. I truly hope you have some support. I send you love 🖤
“We all swear that we will never do to our children what our parents did to us, only to become a watered down version of our own personal bullies. I know my mom did.” This hit me in a very soft spot. It hurt for me when first entering adulthood to realize my mom was a real, flawed, human being, and not just the perfect momma victim/martyr that I saw her as throughout my childhood. There are things our parents can’t control for sure, but in becoming my own person I realized they had more agency to end the cycles of abuse and trauma than they maybe took advantage of. I’m 21, my mom is 56 now. I thought she would be stuck in her ways forever but lately I’ve seen the needle start moving a little. She’s still got lots of work to go, especially for the sake of my younger sister, but it’s started. I hope your mom can find a glimpse of reflection and the needle may start to move.❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for sharing your experience Prudence, I always love to read that some parents decide to change, even if it’s late, even if it’s hard, even if it takes time. That in itself means a lot. And yeah, I think one of the biggest heartbreak of my twenties was realizing that my mom can be my own bully and seeing her with the eyes of an adult, and not just those of her child.
This hit home. As the eldest African immigrant daughter. This sounds word for word like my story. I hope one day African parent can live without being in a constant competition without their offsprings. May African daughter heal from all the childhood trauma inflicted by their own mothers. Thank you for writing such a story. This must of took a lot of courage.
It took a lot but it made me feel way lighter. Thank you so much for reading. I only hope that we can all heal so our children don't have to write these words.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my mom is very similar. I read this book called Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it completely put me in a much better way in my self- and world understanding afterward... mother wound is one of the most painful...
I have this book! Helped me a lot too when I felt like I was going crazy and I needed so validation and clearance. Thank you for reading 🖤
angele, thank you for writing this, and i hope it gave you some relief to pour it out.
this situation can make you feel terribly lonely, but you are not alone in this. too many of us have been raised with conditional love, worn down to small nubs by a society teaching us that our parents’ conditional love and emotional immaturity is normal, that we are ‘bad children’ for being upset with them, or daring to expect more for ourselves. for not being the adult in the situation, long before we’re grown; to instinctively provide the kind of care we’ve never been shown.
but true control comes from learning the power of the self, and growing taller and stronger against them until their words run harmlessly off us like rain on a statue. realising that you deserve more is the first step towards this; you will be fine, and then finer and finer as time goes on. 🤍
What a beautiful comment Rose. Thank you very much. I'm reading this in a moment of anger and sadness and it's giving me some hope. Sending you love 🖤
Thank you for sharing. This was truly beautiful in a way that only a handful of us will understand. I resonated with this deeply. I’ve recently had to comfort my own life choices in situations where it was/is very one sided. At the end of the day I too came to the conclusion that I must do better for myself and just meet people where they are?! Trying to explain doesn’t always work. Trying to teach(help) doesn’t work. The back and forth damn sure doesn’t work. So the only thing to do is more accordingly for yourself. My heart is so full, and I’m an extremely empathetic human, but I can’t continue to break my own heart to save yours. I am with you🤎✨
Your bravery in writing this vulnerably is awe-inspiring. You deserve to scream this, an outlet for the pain of having the weight of the world on your shoulders. As an African daughter, this pierced my heart. It’s hard to always be the empathetic one. Thank you so much for sharing this with us (for however long). 🫀