It’s one of those nights when I started writing a thoughtful piece in my head and couldn’t close my eyes until I finally hit my keyboard. Frenetically.

00:36 AM

I have been trying to regulate my sleep. As a night owl, this challenge forces me to readjust some of my creative endeavors. If I have to sleep at night, when will I have the courage to write down my deepest thoughts? Surely, there’s a way, but I can only hit the publish button when I am certain no one is around.

It’s the solitude that makes me peaceful.

I thrive on the noises of the night. A car passing in the distance, the wind blowing through the tree leaves, my mom turning in her bed, my neighbor coughing. Sometimes, I can even hear him snoring. The quiet tumult of darkness is soothing music to my ears. I like knowing I’m the only one awake. It’s like cheating in a game, there’s a thrill to it, that you’ll regret later.

But tonight, the loneliness got to me.

If I’m being honest, it wasn’t just tonight. It has been going on for a few months, maybe a few years. I keep reading about it and being remembered that everything I am feeling and going through, someone else is too. This has to bring me some kind of reassurance, and it does. Not only there’s nothing special about my heartbreaking, devastating feelings, but I am also not alone. Knowing this fact, I can’t help but feel like my loneliness is somehow different, that mine has to be greater, that mine has to be my fault.

Do you ever feel like you don’t exist? In my worst non-existing hours I was convinced I was a ghost. Passing through people’s lives without leaving a trace, while mine was forever scarred by their presence. I always thought something was deeply wrong with me, and once people would be close enough to realize, they would leave as fast as they could. Sometimes they did, that is the worst part. But I have to admit, some people stayed.

They remind me that I do, indeed, exist.

Although existing is exhausting, I need a break from it. So when I don’t sleep, I keep myself awake. I never want those sweet hours to end. How is it that a little girl that used to be afraid of the dark now embraces it so much that she can only feel safe in it? It seems that sometimes the cure for an endlessly spinning brain is the non-silence of the night.

I used to pinch myself until it hurt to make sure I was flesh and blood. After hours of dissociation, this certainty fades. Lack of memory doesn't help. Neither does lack of sleep. When the non-existing feeling engulfs me, I am nothing but floating thoughts. I am convinced of it. The anxiety is too heavy, something has to make me lighter. And the brightness of the day, the people I love, are a reminder of the weight.

I need silent nights to contemplate airiness.

02:03 AM

Hi, I am Angèle, the woman behind Hey, I Curate. Thank you for spending some time with my words, it means a lot to me. Welcome to the new subscribers, there are a lot of them, and I am so grateful for all of you. If you find yourself having similar feelings and want to share, I’d love to read what you have to say and interact with you. I hope you’re having a beautiful day, or a peaceful night.